Twilight New Moon (The previews were the best part)

Well, I just had an interesting night and I think I'd like to let all my readers out there know about. However, if any of my readers are also readers of the Twilight series they would be strongly advised to stop reading here before I tear into it like an NFL offensive lineman at the all you can eat buffet.

Basically, myself, Jordan and Dave went to see this movie with Katie and Dani to humor them. I have to admit, I did not go into this movie with an open mind, I went in thinking it would be absurd, ridiculous and bizarre. Forgive me for sounding cocksure, but I was right. Coming into this film without any knowledge of the series was a bit difficult but Katie and Dani filled me in, and I pretty much got the jist. The jist is that there is this girl Bella, who falls for this absolute schmuck Edward. Edward is basically a mysterious, sickly, lackluster, slouching, sullen, and snobby lose job. Oh and he's as paler than a blizzard. And I haven't even gotten to his biggest character flaw, he's a vampire! A sickly, mind reading, translucent, blood sucking bastard. I honestly have no idea what he has going for him. He must be rich.

The second main dude in this flick was this goober Jacob. He is admittedly a more decent monster than ole Eddie. But he's no Prince Charming either. I'll admit he's pretty jacked, (the guy was built). With that being said, he's a grease monkey, he jogs everywhere, (probably as smart as Forrest Gump) he always has his shirt off, and he's never on a beach. Oh and he's a werewolf. Another monster.

So basically, I have no idea how our "heroine" (she's obviously a weak individual and has definitely set the feminist movement back at least a couple decades) falls in love with both. She has the worst judgment in the world. Of all the single men out there, she picks two with gigantic character flaws. A vampire and a werewolf? What is she thinking, who will she go for next? Bigfoot? A minotaur? A centaur? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Frankenstein? Tiger Woods? Get real woman! It's your own fault you have gotten in the midst of a vampire vs. werewolf vicious turf war. Come on, everybody knows that getting between vampires and werewolves is like Steve Irwin getting between a stingray and its stinger. It does not end well.

Of course this movie conveniently ended well. Hollywood. Stephanie Meyer has no complexity. By the way I pretty much guessed how the series ends after the movie was over. I predicted a "creative solution" between Edward and Bella being procured so that they could live for ever together. And according to Wikipedia I was in the ballpark. In fact if the answer was at home plate, I was in the batter's box. I was pretty close, I just didn't realize how convenient the solution would be. Thank you wikipedia that I never have to read the book or watch any more films.

Although to be honest, I really enjoyed picking this movie apart and making sarcastic comments. I haven't even touched on how ridiculous I thought some of the scenes were and how juvenile the dialogue. But I'll save that for another day, or the high stool! And I have to mention the one thing I really liked in the film, the best acting in fact, was the mustache on Bella's dad. That thing deserves a handshake and a round of applause every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Thanks for reading this, I just felt it was necessary for me to give a reasonable excuse for going to watch Twilight. And I'm not going to rule out seeing the next one. I can always use fodder for the satire and comedy machine. And this movie provided me with a bumper crop. So maybe I'll attend whatever the next one is (I don't really care what it's called as long as its as absurd as this one) when it comes out. Or maybe I won't. All I know is that the world (myself and men everywhere) can't wait until the sun sets on Twilight. So if ya don't know, now ya know...